If You Go Into The Woods Today…

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The detective who lives in my head (she refuses to believe she’s fictional) often tells her work-partner Lorne that animals can be killers. Real-life animals seem to agree with her.

In 2013, in Belarus, a 60-year-old ex-serviceman died of blood loss after being attacked by a beaver. The man was bitten multiple times by the rodent, which sliced an artery with its sharp teeth. It has been suggested that the man was trying to catch the beaver to have his photo taken with it.

In 2009 Taylor Mitchell, a Canadian folk singer, was attacked and killed by three coyotes, the only recorded adult person to have been killed by this species.

The cougar is a deadly animal, with nearly 40% of all attacks by this big cat occurring in British Columbia. Cougars stalk their prey on huge, silent paws and then attack in a whisper-quiet rush of death. Playing dead only results in — death.

Bears, black, polar and grizzlies, will all attack and maul if they feel threatened, if a mother bear has cubs nearby, or just because they feel like being an ass. Common wisdom says to keep all food out of sniff-range, don’t walk in the woods silently or alone and never, ever underestimate them. They have been known to break into and destroy cars, trucks, even camps.

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And as Detective Anais Quinn will tell you, hitting a moose or deer is still the number one animal-caused death here in Northern Ontario. They can charge when feeling cornered, or during mating season, or if they’re just generally feeling harassed. In addition to the males having don’t-screw-with-me antlers, the females kick out with either their rear or front legs. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of those hooves!

In short, animals can be assholes and will kill you. So if you go into the woods today, better have life insurance!

Murderous Nature

nature animal wilderness head

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The detective who lives in my head (she refuses to believe she’s fictional) often tells her work-partner Lorne that animals can be killers. Real-life animals seem to agree with her.

In 2013, in Belarus, a 60-year-old ex-serviceman died of blood loss after being attacked by a beaver. The man was bitten multiple times by the rodent, which sliced an artery with its sharp teeth. It has been suggested that the man was trying to catch the beaver to have his photo taken with it.

In 2009 Taylor Mitchell, a Canadian folk singer, was attacked and killed by three coyotes, the only recorded adult person to have been killed by this species.

The cougar is a deadly animal, with nearly 40% of all attacks by this big cat occurring in British Columbia. Cougars stalk their prey on huge, silent paws and then attack in a whisper-quiet rush of death. Playing dead only results in — death.

Bears, black, polar and grizzlies, will all attack and maul if they feel threatened, if a mother bear has cubs nearby, or just because they feel like being an ass. Common wisdom says to keep all food out of sniff-range, don’t walk in the woods silently or alone and never, ever underestimate them. They have been known to break into and destroy cars, trucks, even camps.

And as Anais will tell you, hitting a moose or deer is still the number one animal-caused death here in Northern Ontario. They can charge when feeling cornered, or during mating season, or if they’re just generally feeling harassed. In addition to the males having don’t-screw-with-me antlers, the females kick out with either their rear or front legs. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of those hooves!

In short, animals can be assholes and will kill you. So if you go into the woods today, better have life insurance!

Too Close – Part 2

You can find part 1 here

And now on to part 2!

I had narrowly missed hitting a moose. We were so close that, had I wanted to, I could have reached out the open window to pat her side. I chose not to.

My fingers were clenched so tightly around the wheel, I wouldn’t be able to move until the adrenaline left my system. She turned her massive head more fully toward me, blew a giant moose-sigh of snot out of her nose and sauntered off into the bush. I sat sideways in the road, listened to my pulse pound through my veins and prayed there were no transport trucks coming my way. Several jangled heartbeats later, I did a three-point turn and got myself facing the right way, but pulled off onto the shoulder of the road. I rested my forehead on the steering wheel and waited to stop quivering. Finally, I lifted my head. 

The first thing I saw was a lurid yellow and black sign warning me of moose crossing. 

I put the Jeep into drive and gave the sign the finger as I pulled away.

Too Close…

Portrait of a female moose

“Shitdamnmotherofchocolate!”

I jammed my foot down on the brake pedal, wrenched the steering wheel hard to the left, slammed my eyes shut and braced for impact.

And waited.

And waited.

I cautiously lifted one eyelid, half-expecting to see the Pearly Gates, but instead was treated to a wall of smelly brown hair.

I peered up into a soft brown eye…

What happened? Come back tomorrow and find out!